He blended into the background, didn’t stand out at all. He didn’t even know why he decided to come, why he thought he’d actually be able to have a good time.
But then he saw her, and knew she was all the reason he needed to be there at all.
Her porcelain skin glowed flawlessly in the moonlight, and he could only mindlessly follow her like a moth to a flame. She seemed to effortlessly weave through any obstacles she encountered, and the people naturally split apart as if they knew not to get in her way. Long, flowing dark hair trailed behind her as the wind blew her sweet scent into his face. Everything about her drew him in. Her soft smile, innocent eyes, and musical laugh only added to her perfection.
He felt as if nothing else mattered in the world except for her, not the party carrying on around him, or the annoying party-goers that kept him from watching her. He wondered how no one else could have noticed her beauty, how no one else followed her every move like he did. He supposed he preferred it this way, for he didn’t know what he would do if there was even a chance of her being taken away from him. Even if she wasn’t even his.
He wanted her in a way he didn’t know you could want something, and it hurt him to be unable to have her, safe in his grasp.
He didn’t know where these thoughts were coming from, yet he started moving forward towards her without even noticing. He wasn’t paying attention to anything else but her warm smile that only beckoned him closer. He was so fixated on that sweet, sweet smile, he didn’t notice the darkness that crept it’s way into her eyes, or how fast it disappeared.
Every move she made seemed to pull him closer, like he was under a spell, not that he cared. He only wanted to move faster and faster as she twisted her way out of the crowd and into the silent, still night.
And then he had her. Her soft body against his and her hands roaming through his mess of hair. He couldn’t get enough of her, couldn’t believe her smooth skin and hypnotizing scent was all his. All he could focus on was her and how she was so real, yet so unbelievable.
He was so caught up in the feeling of her face buried in his neck, making him feel all kinds of things, he didn’t even hear the quiet snarl or the piercing of his delicate flesh.
He still couldn’t even feel the pain as she peeled her small body away from his and revealed the creature hidden beneath her alluring skin. All he could feel was shock as his body began to freeze up at the sight of the razor sharp claws growing longer and longer. Her face split open as rows of deadly teeth revealed themselves and the darkness quickly surrounded her once again.
The beast now standing in front of him was the complete opposite of the gorgeous girl that had lured him out into the shadows, away from watchful eyes. Now he was the one having his every move watched as the demon pictured every single way he could be tortured before giving him a slow, painful death.
He was so desperate to live, to see the next day. He begged and begged between pitiful cries for help, but the creature was starving, and seeing his pain only made it more excited for the kill.
With one last rush of adrenaline, he made a move to run and escape. But he barely even twitched before the beast pounced and sunk its teeth into the poor man. With the party still going strong, no one could hear his cries full of regret and despair as the monster tore apart his flesh and ripped chunks out of him again and again.
Never before had the creature had a meal so easy to fool, so full of desire that quickly turned into delicious fear.
It was certainly a night to remember, a night so perfect for deceiving and and pretending. Made just for the beast, to let its true self roam free.
Kayla,
O
M
G
…
Well, that was unexpected!
First of all, I’m a sucker for romance so I found myself smiling the whole time! You portrayed his attraction to her so beautifully, so realistically that your ending was completely unexpected. This is perfect for a piece like this, because at the end I was hanging on to your every word, trying to read between the lines. My favourite types of stories are the ones with unexpected endings!
The man’s character was so full of humanity and the normality of human life, it drew sympathy for him in the beginning. I felt like I could connect with him easily, and this allowed for more feelings to arise when he was being murdered. The way you described the sounds of his cries not being heard was heart wrenching and I felt anger towards the monster. This is perfect! Writing needs to invoke feelings in its readers, and you did that perfectly!
Sometimes I felt some punctuation was unnecessary and broke the flow of the story. Gosh, I have such a hard time with this myself so I read my stories out loud to see how it sounds before publishing. Also, remember to complete your blog post with a picture! It will help tie the piece together even more.
I found it so hard to discover parts in your story to critique, so I found little things instead. This is how much I liked your piece!
I’m so lucky to have read this, it makes me want to read more from you! Amazing work Kayla! Keep it up!
Elissa.
Really amazing story! I was not expecting that ending at all.You lead up to it and described it really well.
Kayla,
Wow. The first paragraph is what dew me in and had me thinking, well I can relate to this. That thought stopped quickly however you kept me hooked with the amazing imagery you created. The ending was completely unexpected and that made it all the more wonderful to read. The complete change at the end created a sense of sympathy for the man that was much more magnified than in the beginning. I could not for the life of me find a grow in this. I look forward to reading lots more of your amazing work.
Always keep writing,
Sydney